She is loud and will be heard. She is so abusive, yet I listen and hang on her every word. She reminds me of my insecurities. She tells me I’m unloved, unacceptable, lazy, worthless. She shames and guilts me. When I see a glimpse of happiness, she is there to remind me that it is not for me. She beats me into submission. She makes me want to hide. She has a hold on me like no other. She makes me feel like I want to curl up and die. Surely, she only wants to destroy me.
I have learned to hide the pain she causes me. I can fake a smile and try to shield the emptiness inside. Silently I am breaking down. Quietly screaming inside for someone to listen, hear her, and tell her to “shut up”. I feel alone even when my loved ones are near. I wonder why I am here to endure this kind of abuse. I don’t wish her on my greatest enemy.
She is a Monster… Her name is Depression.
Her voice is my voice. Her view is my view. Her darkness is my greatest fear.
I’ve come back to her so many times in my life, I have lost count. I know her so well. I am learning that the more I see her, the quicker I am able to get out from under her hold. The more I know her, the more I understand her and the lessons she is teaching me.
She is me, and I am her.
How can this be?!
I am standing on the other side of the darkness. Beauty and light surrounding me. I know she is there. I can feel her. I have an appreciation for her when I stand here on the other side. I am a warrior. I realize I am not the words that were inside my head. I am not the stories I told myself. I am a beautiful light and I am shining bright. I am strong. I am precious and loved.
I thank her from this place of beauty and tell her I will see her again. I am ready now. I have seen the light through the dark and it is so worth it.